Spay the cat - or when the vet is wrong...

We had a cat, a stray that the kids tamed. It was an outside cat, with 2 large fur puff balls under the tail. It lived outside a couple of years, so we assumed it was a male as it had never gotten pregnant. After it was well tamed, we took it to the vet, got shots, etc... the vet clinic listed it as a male. Fast forward a year or so, and the cat gets an ear infection and has a tumor in its ear. So when I took it to the vet, the vet said "surgery, and when we are done, it will have to come inside." So I said, "well, if that is the case, while you have it under, go ahead and neuter it, I won't have a male cat spraying in my house." Life is good. Then the morning of the surgery: I drop the cat off on my way to work. Then about 9 I get a phone call. "Uh, this is Dr. D. I have bad news about Stripe. After we took care of his ear, we went to shave him to neuter him, and he's a she. Do you want me to go ahead and spay her? It will cost a little more. I know we all thought she was a he. But the fur just kept coming off till there was nothing left. He's really and truly a she. Ok, I'll call you back after I spay her." An hour or so later, the phone rings again... "Uh, this is Dr. D again. This is the darndest thing. That cat? It looks like someone has already spayed her. Yes, she has a perfect surgical scar right where it would be for spaying. No, I didn't do it, and if you want me to, I'll go ahead and cut her open to make sure, but I really don't want to. Ok, good. She'll be ready for pick up this afternoon instead of tomorrow since I don't have to do major surgery on her. Yes, thank you. Yes, I will make sure you aren't charged for the extra surgeries. Have a good day!" That cat lived another 10 years, inside, and was wonderful, except she slobbered. but that's another story!

What is a "step-pulse" or how to study when in college

The hubby and I had lunch with a friend on Friday, and in the conversation during lunch, the most effective way of studying while in college came to the topic. So S. turned to me and said "what is a step-pulse?" For this to be funny, you have to know the "rest of the story". But before I go there, I will have to tell you what a step-pulse is. A step-pulse is a synchronization tone/pulse between 2 pieces of equipment (usually electronic) running at slightly different speeds. Think the tones you hear when sending a fax, or for those of us old enough, the sounds of a computer modem dialing in to our internet service provider (isp). Those tones you hear are a type of step pulse, and make it where the machines can talk to each other. The story begins when S. and I were dating, he was in the navy, in school to do electronics. I was a single mother, trying my hand at college again, and we were hanging out more than was healthy for either of our study habits. But on this particular day, S. hands me his text book and says "quiz me on the things on this chapter for class tomorrow." So, in typical college teacher fashion, I looked through the chapter, found the most obscure fact in the middle of a lengthy paragraph and said "what is a step-pulse?" He responded with "honey, they won't go that in depth. They won't have time." I replied with "you are in college now. They expect you to read it all and pick out what you think you need to know. I think you need to know this." So we both learned what a step-pulse was, and continued on with the day. The next day, when in class, the first question out of his instructor's mouth was "What is a step-pulse? Anyone know?" S. was the only one who did. He came over after work, told me about it, we got a good laugh and thought no more about it, until... Some of you may know that in the military, to advance, you have to take a test to prove you know your stuff, both militarily and job-wise. So, you fast forward, we were at our first post school duty station, and he was up for promotion. He goes in, takes the test, and guess what is on the test?! Yep, you got it. "What is a step-pulse". It was on that test, and every single advancement exam he took his entire 12 year naval career. He's been a civilian for many more years than he was in the navy, but we still giggle over that. And when we had lunch yesterday with the same friend and her family, one of the things she said was "and she taught you what a step-pulse was!" Her husband had not heard the story, so we gave him the abbreviated version, and giggled once more. So if you are ever asked "what is a step-pulse?" now you know!

a question of race

This blog post was started and then interrupted. So was never actually posted. Since I think the information in it is important, I've decided to finish it. I do have to add one caveat. I am no longer employed at the location where the initial incident occurred due to staffing reductions. But my reactions to the event remain the same. Here is the initial post.

so, today, something happened that made me stop and think. made me think about my background, my raising, and how far the south has, and hasn't come.

we all have read about the political issues with race relations, you couldn't help but read it. it's everywhere. but that isn't where this is going. i don't care about politics.

this is about descriptions. and how we react to them. let me begin by saying that momma wasn't white. she wasn't black, but she most definitely wasn't white. she couldn't go to the white college. and, if you looked at my half filipina daughter and my mother, you'd swear that i had nothing to do with my child's birth. neither of them are white.

i, on the other hand, am white. i look white. mostly act "white". and generally identify myself as either white, other, or when multiples are an option, i will pick a couple that apply.

well, today, a visibly white student came in and was describing his reaction to a security guard. how he felt intimidated by the guard. who was a larger black woman. he didn't describe her that way, but that is what he meant. but, one of my co-workers is black. i believe she took offense.

I don't know where I was going with this when I started it, but figured I'd try to finish it. I realized today that I had not updated my blog in so long I could not remember my login info! so, here I am, trying to get the drafts finished.

I don't remember the student or incident above, but I saw a posting by a friend on facebook the other day that questioned whether he was naive or just too willing to give the benefit of the doubt to people. the question was whether it was possible that bias and prejudice were not as much an issue when someone was mean to him, but rather that that person was just a mean person.

here is my initial reply:

"the thing to remember is that we all have some kind of "innate" prejudice or bias that we acquire from our infancy/early childhood. the key to objectivity is to identify cause, define the validity (all white folks sunburn maybe?), only then can you act without prejudice or bias. those who say "you must understand because you are ____" have not taken the time to examine the innate prejudices they absorbed before becoming school age (or maybe even after school age, but i am giving the benefit of the doubt here).

therefore my friend, you are taking the stance (perhaps because of or in spite of your early childhood) that most folks have the same biases or you are immune to those with bias, therefore they could not possibly act with bias toward you, but rather because they are just "mean" or "friendly" or "flirty" or "motherly" ;) "

my friend had another person answer and she said:

it's human nature to clump people into a category, (white, black, Hispanic, etc) and how we perceive people comes from how and where we were raised, the influence of our family and friends plays a big role in how we see and treat other people. It is our choice as we get older to determine if we are going to continue along those same lines of thinking. I really don't think that most people, when they pose a question to you like that are trying to be mean necessarily, it is just an automatic assumption that you might be able to relate to whatever. Just continue to be the awesome person you are and try to let statements like that roll off your back, flash them that great smile and answer the main point of their question the best way you can.

and my reaction to her reply

"I like her answer. And I will add one more comment to what she said. Sometimes, the question is not really so much one of being mean but rather trying to understand something that is different from what they are used to, and they might not have the social skills to ask in an appropriate manner."

so back to the original post... that i can't remember the origin of, yes, there are times when we associate certain things with certain criteria. a big black woman (or a big man of any color for that matter) dressed in a uniform may be intimidating. was it the color? the size? the uniform? i don't know any of those answers, but i do know that we all have to examine our reactions (when it is appropriate to take the time - genuine fear does not count) and determine if there is a valid reason for them. more on this later!!

where do they get off

so, tonight, something happened that really, really upset me. because of several reasons. one, it was almost de ja vu. two, i really, really like my hair, and three, if i am clean, combed, and generally take care of myself/my hair, who's business is it anyway?

the de ja vu part. when my oldest daughter was getting married the first time our relationship was strained at best. lots of reasons, but it doesn't matter what they are. we are over it. but one thing that happened was that in the bride room, as i am putting the last stitches in her hand sewn (my choice) veil, she mutters to anyone who will listen to her (thank God i didn't quite catch what she was saying, exactly) "would SOMEONE do SOMETHING with my mother's hair?" so, tonight, my other daughter says "your hair looks like it is getting straighter." i try to deflect this (i know where it is going) with "but more wire-y" she says "yes, but maybe now you can DO SOMETHING with it." i snap back "I LIKE MY HAIR". argument started. not how i wanted to spend easter dinner. but they need to get over it. older daughter (this is now nearly 7 years after wedding 1) says "she needs to get over it. it is clean. it is well kept. you like it. if it weren't clean, or if it were knotted, we could say something and then we should."

now for the liking my hair part. all my growing up, i wanted my mother's hair. that thick almost curly, lustrous mane that she brushed back from her forehead like elizabeth montgomery in bewitched, only momma's was black. dark as night black. shine in the sun black. and when i was really little, so long and thick that she had to use nearly a whole box of pins to put it up before she went to work as a nurse. i loved momma's hair. i wanted momma's hair. mine was thin, limp, mostly straight, and dirty blond. like my father's. i didn't want to be like him. i wanted to be like momma. exotic, beautiful, momma. now, except the color, for the most part, i have momma's hair. not as thick, (thanks to medications) and not black, but almost curly (if i curl it, it really curls) and very much like momma's. i loved brushing momma's hair and i love brushing mine. i love my hair.

for the third part, brought up by my older daughter, i keep my hair clean. brushed. trimmed. cared for. i don't color it. don't dye it. don't curl it. don't use products in it for various reasons. but i take care of it. i don't fry it with treatments, curling irons, straightening irons, chemicals, processing, or whatever. because I LIKE MY HAIR!!!

i am 10 years younger than momma was when she died. when she died, i cut a lock of her hair to keep. if you asked me the most beautiful thing about momma, i would say her hair. she was a beauty, don't get me wrong, but her hair was truly her crowning glory. i hurts me to the core that my daughters can't see past the current "ideal" of beauty to see the real beauty in hair that is clean, combed, and enjoyed. and if i have to spend mega bucks and mega time to have "beautiful" hair, no thank you. God gave me beautiful hair. He gave me momma's hair.

Girls, one day, i pray, you will like yourself enough to like your own hair.

another thought

i posted this in a forum, but figured i'd expand on it.

i think it takes a lot of growing to recognize where we are, where we've been, and where we want to be. not to mention how we want to get there or even if we can.

recognizing where we are. in life, love, and finances. not to mention health and happiness.

recognizing where we've been. many of us start life in one level (poverty, luxury, broken homes, battered homes, "perfect homes") - (i don't believe in those "perfect homes" by the way), or some other such. where did you come from. not just the place, but what kind of family or circumstance.

recognizing where we want to be. married. single. rich. retired. traveled. foot loose. with 30 grandkids. with a master's degree. in a job we love. doesn't matter. what matters is that it is where you want to be.

recognizing how we want to get there. marry for money. go to school. work overtime. have some kind of permanent birth control. again, how do you want to get where you want to be.

recognizing IF you can get there. i'll never be rich. but i have a job i love. i'll never retire, even though i used to say "when i retire". i know now i can't get there because i am not the retiring kind. i'll most likely never have my master's degree. mostly because i don't have the physical stamina needed to finish the classes. i'm ok with that.

for all of that, i'm happy. i know where i came from, where i've been. where i am now. where i want to be. and if i can get there.

profound statements

so this past week a lot has gone on, nothing terribly bothersome, just busy. more in the lives of folks around me than with me. but it has led me to make some observations that others have found to be quotable. and one statement that someone else made that i found to be quotable. so, here goes...

the first is by my friend sarah otto. she was talking to a mutual friend and said

"Easy lives don't build great character, Barb! Think about how flakey and boring you would be with an easy life!! "

i really liked that and wanted to put it somewhere i could find it. i guess here is good enough.

the next few are by me, in response to things going on with either me or other friends

rough roads often lead to beautiful places...

that was in response to the trouble someone was having finalizing a life changing event. the rough road has led her to a beautiful place.

knowing the difference between class, money, and education. and knowing that money cannot buy class or education, only a piece of paper saying you went to class.

that was in response to something someone did that was totally crass. a family situation. but glad that my children recognized the differences.

the final thought was

a willingness to recognize that a different beginning would not always guarantee a different ending

that is in response to the same trying situation/rough road my friend was/is traveling. and my reaction to it. i am finally smart enough to know that if my beginning had been different, i might still have had the same kind of difficulties in my life that i had growing up. wishing for a different family doesn't "fix" anything. and there is always the possibility that things might have been worse!

so, that's my blog for the day.

ponderings

i guess i should start this with my intent of this is to provide some written record of my ponderings, family stories, what's happening in my life/mind/times. just a generic place for the wanderings/ponderings of my mind.